When I Follow My Intuition… and When I Don’t

Alternative title:  How I Create My Own Problems

When I contrast yesterday with today, it is crystal clear how I create my own problems by not following my intuition. Yesterday, I ignored it, and the day was painful. Today, I listened, and experienced a miracle.

Yesterday, I went grocery shopping. Simple enough, but the complicating factor was that I had lost my debit card a little while ago. I got my new card on Christmas Eve, but they assigned a new PIN and I didn’t have that yet. As I prepared to go shopping, my thought was, “Oh, I have my card so I can finally go grocery shopping.” I forgot about the fact that I didn’t have my pin.

As I was leaving the house, I had the thought, “I should stop by the Post Office before going shopping.” (Long story about how there is no home delivery of mail where I live.) But I ignored that still, small voice.

There were two grocery stores I could have gone to. I chose to go to the less expensive one. What I ‘forgot,” is that the cheaper store only accepts debit card (with PIN), or cash, or check. So, I racked up almost $100 in groceries, including lots of frozen food, and when I tried to use my card it didn’t work. The internal rage was… uncomfortable, to say the least.

If I had decided to go to the other store, I could have run as credit. If I had stopped by the post office, I would have gotten the letter containing my new PIN. But, I did neither. I raged, with my son beside me. I called my husband and arranged to go by his work and get his card. All the while, so angry, and my son thinks I am angry with him and he didn’t do anything and he is getting more and more upset. I’m too angry to be sensitive to what he is experiencing and get madder. It was a mess.

I got my husband’s card, paid for my groceries, apologized to my son, dropped him off at a friend’s house, and went home. I could feel my blood pressure up and the bile in my stomach rising. The physical effects of stress are quite palpable to me and felt immediately.

So, jump to today. I’m giving my son a ride to a different friend’s house. We actually pass the street, and it took a bit to turn around and pull up the address. When we get to the apartment complex, we turn in to the wrong driveway. However, there is a woman sitting at the end of the drive smoking a cigarette. I swear it looks like a friend I had been worried about for several month who pretty much disappeared. She was bundled up, and I was still a short distance away, but I ‘knew’ it was her. But I would have felt stupid driving all the way up for it to not be her, so I pulled out of the driveway.

We found the right driveway, my son got out, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that WAS my long-lost friend. I decided to risk looking stupid and went back to the other driveway. I pulled all the way up, looked, and it was in fact my friend.

I was overjoyed to see that she was alive and safe. When a lot of your friend are recovering addicts and alcoholics, it is not uncommon for people to relapse and die. We hugged and talked and talked and hugged. I felt such joy knowing that she was OK. She had gotten really sick again, but was doing well and had not relapsed.

Driving home, I reveled in what a miraculous reunion that was. If we had left 10 minutes earlier or later…. If we had driven straight to the right street and not arrived several minutes later… If we had pulled into the correct driveway the first time. Millions of ways for us not to have been reunited, not to mention if I had ignored my intuition with the rational thought, “That’s too much of a coincidence. It can’t be her.”

So many times I ignore my intuition. All the times I’m inspired to write but am too lazy, have ‘important’ things to do, say I’ll do it later but never quite get around to it.

Today, being New Year’s Day, I can make a decision to pay more attention to my intuition. I can re-dedicate myself to finding that time to commune with Spirit so my intuition is stronger and clearer. With so much to be grateful for, I know that the closer I follow my Higher Power’s will via my intuition, the more joy I get to experience. I hope today is a day that you also follow your intuition for a blissful day.

Feeling Safe In an Unsafe World

It’s easy to feel unsafe in today’s world. This week’s events remind me again how dangerous it is to be certain things in America: black, Jewish, critical of the President. But more than that, it is dangerous to go to school, go to a concert, or fly in a plane. Yet, to stay sane, I have to find a way to still function despite such frightening times. The kids need dinner, bills need to be paid, and the dogs need to go outside

I was reminded yesterday that, even in my little bubble-world of privilege, life is dangerous. At a meeting about my son, the topic came up of the car accident he and I were in. I had done everything right, but someone else ran a red light. Flash memories of the pain and the long convalescence came back. Even though many have suffered far greater, I felt panic and was fighting the urge to flee the room.

The truth is, being alive is an inherently dangerous task. It will always end in death. And while it seems that today’s world is scarier than ever, is it really more tenuous than during historical times? I don’t fear plagues wiping out half the population or marauding bands raping and pillaging their way through the countryside. A saber-toothed cat or dire wolf won’t be wandering into my campsite.

But the daily news brings fresh grief for those who lost their lives while shopping and praying. I cannot afford to live in fear and despair, yet in truth, I am afraid and sad.

Searching for a solution, I find the ‘tender reed’ that has become my bedrock. I have to turn my thoughts to a spiritual purpose. I have to keep things simple and do what is right in front of me. I can do my small part to try to make the world a better place. I can vote, give words of encouragement to a friend, or write an essay. Today I can choose to walk in the sunlight of the spirit and pray that you do as well.

 

 

 

 

Meditating While Angry

It doesn’t work so good. I sit and follow my breath, and when thoughts arise, I’m supposed to let them drift away as if it were a cloud, or some kind of imagery like that. And my mind says, “F-*& that! I’m not done being angry yet. I’m not willing to let this thought or emotion drift away as if it were inconsequential.”

I was a little surprised at my stubbornness. I mean, it was righteous anger, what they did or didn’t do. It seems to feel good to be angry, powerful, like I am so right! I can’t let them get away with it.

But what holding on to anger really does is block me from myself. And it blocks out a presence of my higher power.

I identified 100% with “I am angry.” There was no other me other than anger.

Little by little, as I continued to sit meditations and catch myself replaying the story of how angry I was and why, over and over, I gained a sliver of detachment. I started realizing that it was just a story I was telling myself, over and over and over again.

As I started to identify with the ‘me’ that was observing this angry mind, I was able to let it go… a little. I can’t say that I’m completely done being angry yet, but I did make space for a ray of that sunlight of the spirit sneak in. I’ll take that, for now, and know that this will pass. I will allow that tiny spot of light to grow and let compassion and forgiveness sprout. It all starts at the beginning.

 

Insomnia? Me?

It’s 4 a.m., and I can’t sleep. This is not usual for me. I went to sleep just fine around 10:30 last night. I woke up about 3:30 because my dog was whining and just couldn’t fall back asleep.

I’m moving the day after tomorrow. We’ll have the moving van here around 9 a.m., so I have one more day to get everything packed. (It’s just a local move, so if we miss a few things it’s not a huge deal. We have the old house through the weekend to finish.)

My mind was going over what furniture would go where in the new place. Then I was thinking about the kitchen. It’s a rental house, and when we looked at it, it had a free-standing pantry in the kitchen. I’m counting on that being there. What if they removed it? That’s the only reason why the house was OK, if we had that extra storage in the kitchen, but if it’s gone, what will I do?

By then, my heart rate was up and my body was tense. All of a sudden the idea crashed through all that thinking: there is nothing I can do about it right now.

Next I started thinking about the long to-do list related to the move, like changing our address on Amazon, and for insurance, and for meal delivery, and my daughter’s magazine….

Nope. Can’t do anything about that either. I still couldn’t sleep, but at least I wasn’t torturing myself with all that thinking.

I believe that the mindfulness meditation I’ve been doing helped me come to that realization sooner than it would have, say, a couple of months ago. I was able to get a bit of perspective. Am I sleepy? No. That’s when a novel idea struck me: why not just get up?

I’m usually one who likes to sleep in. I could sleep until 9 or 10 every morning if it wasn’t for my early-riser son… and he’s out of town right now. Maybe I’m getting older and don’t need as much sleep. I don’t know and don’t care.

The point is, acceptance of my situation, exactly as it is (ie I can’t sleep) can lead to action. Might as well get going with my busy day. I thank God for the clarity I have today.

What I’ve Been Training For

I’ve been doing almost daily mindfulness meditation for a little bit now. I’m enjoying that quiet time set aside, and I also like the guided assistance of the Smiling Mind app. I’m finding that I am quicker to remember to stop, think, and breath. At almost any time, I can close my eyes, takes a few deep breaths, and feel calm wash over me.

And that’s a good thing, because this shit is getting real again. We got notice from our landlord that they need to sell the house we’re living in. With a family of four and three dogs (including a German Shepherd), finding a suitable house in our price range is not the easiest thing to do. So I rely on my training.

In addition to mindfulness, I also rely on a faith in a Higher Power. It’s not a formal thing. It’s not anything I pray to. It’s an underlying awareness of grace, that force which is life, that energy that was pure light that became everything and is everything. Perhaps the biggest benefit of long-term sobriety is the accumulation of experiencing things working out. By the grace of God, I should celebrate 30 years sober next month.

I am striving to maintain a sense of curiosity. What does God have in store for me next? It’s a quiet hopefulness. I know there is work to be done. We loved this house, and it is time to move on. I have multiple lines in the water and am quick to pull the line when I feel a nibble.

Of course, we still have 45 days. This could be an entirely different story when it gets close to our deadline to be out. But I know that all I need to do is show up, do what is in front of my, and don’t try to force my will. As the Big Book says, we relax and take it easy.

Meditation Reboot: Mindfulness Apps

Last year I made a commitment to start meditating regularly. Well, that didn’t work out so well. Soon I was caught up in the daily frustrations and flashes of anger and completely forgot about trying to meditate. Peace of mind can be so elusive.

Then, a couple of months ago, my son asked to go off his ADHD meds. When he takes them, he doesn’t eat all day. By the end of the day, when the meds wear off, he is crazy hungry and out of control. We decided that if he was willing to commit to a regular meditation practice we would be willing to let him stop his medication.

I read a lot about meditation for kids and one idea kept repeating: the best way to help kids develop a meditation practice was for the parents to also practice meditation. I realized there was no way around it. I had to start meditating.

I decided to try a meditation app. Unfortunately, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of them. They range in price from free to almost $100 or more. I started downloading and trying the free ones, but found most of them to be incredibly annoying. You know those syrupy-sweet voices that are almost a whisper? I hate those. Where I live, they call that “airy-fairy.”

I asked people about apps they used and stumbled across an app called Smiling Mind. I downloaded the Smiling Mind app (it’s available for IOS and Android.) The dude is Australian, and I found his voice to be remarkably non-irritating.

This particular app is completely free. There are no parts that you have to pay to unlock. I really like that. None of the dealer’s ‘first taste is free’ thing.

Smiling Mind has a number of different programs. They have programs for kids in different age ranges, programs designed for teachers, and a number of programs designed for adults with different focuses such as sports or for the workplace.

Each program comes in several modules which are designed progressively to help you develop mindfulness and increase the time, gradually, that you spend in meditation. Each module consists of meditation sessions, but they also include activities to enhance your mindfulness.

I’m averaging about 3 times a week, but hope to increase that. You can set daily reminders on your phone or to tell  it to notify you when you haven’t been on the app for a few days.

I’m really enjoying working through the basic adult program. Eventually, I’ll be able to do longer and longer meditation with little to no vocal guidance. Of course, you don’t actually need an app to meditate. Simply following your breath can help you return to calm.

I feel like this app is helping me develop mindfulness to instill a deeper sense of peaceful contentedness. Try it! You might like it.

 

 

Why Secrets Keep Us Sick

It’s pretty common around people in 12-step programs to hear, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” Honesty is stressed. Telling our secrets, even if it’s just to one other person, can set us free. But what is it about keeping secrets that keeps us sick?

Humans need connection. Keeping secrets make us feel separate, disconnected. If I’m keeping a secret about something I did or something that happened to me, I’m actually believing that if you knew this you would know how sick and disgusting I am and I would be alone.  Therefore, I will bury this secret so deep that even I will forget about it. Denial can be a life-saving coping skill at times, but eventually, it will kill us.

It makes me wonder if the ’cause’ of many people’s relapse is the secrets they are keeping. See, secrets are usually about shame. As Brene Brown puts it in her TED talk “The Power of Vulnerability,” shame is believing that “something about me, that if other people know it or see it, I won’t be worthy of connection.”

So the key, it seems, is learning that this thing, however bad it is, does not make me unworthy of love and connection. It is letting go of that thing that makes all the difference. Letting go of the shame and accepting this thing as part of me is how I become whole. I accept all parts of me, all of my experiences, all that I am.

If it’s that simple, why do we still keep secrets? For the most part, it’s fear of being vulnerable. When Brene Brown talks about vulnerability, she describes it as doing something even when there are no guarantees.

When we are vulnerable, we feel connected. Doing the 5th step is all about vulnerability.  But sometimes, we need professional help to be vulnerable. Even people with a lot of time in the program often find the need to seek outside help.

If we’re afraid of vulnerability, speaking without knowing what the reaction will be, then often a therapist can help. It is their job to hear you and be accepting. It is their job to help you through it. When you talk to a therapist, it’s like side-stepping vulnerability because you have a guarantee that you will be OK even if you tell this horrible secret.

And that is how we become whole.

So, my message is this: If you are keeping a secret that you swear no one will ever know, please find a way to let it out. You are worthy of connection. You are worthy of love and acceptance. Otherwise, your secret could very well kill you.

Like Learning the Violin…

I heard someone say that early recovery is like learning to play a musical instrument. At first, it’s so hard, and nothing makes sense, and your fingers hurt, and frankly, it’s not much fun. But once you get the hang of it, it becomes easier and enjoyable.

I kept thinking about how that analogy continues. A great joy of most musicians is sharing their music with others, and a great joy of many people in recovery is to work with newcomers and share what they have learned.

And sometimes, things don’t always work out right. Strings do break. This may seem like a tragedy to the new player, and learning to replace a string seems almost overwhelming. But after a while, they learn how to handle these little bumps in the road with barely a passing thoughts, just as we in recovery learn to handle life’s ups and downs without getting too excited.

And some days, it just feels awkward. And some days are challenging, like when learning a new composition. As we go through life’s phases, we gain an understanding that we will be able “to get through this.” We keep learning, keep making music, keep growing spiritually.

And when we learn to play together, in harmony, we make magic.

Everything Is Awful, Everything Is Broken

Put your fears to rest
You know it’s for the best
As a choir of angels sings:

…everything is awful.

—Lyrics from “Everything is Awful” by The Decemberists.

I heard this song on the radio the other day, followed immediately by Bob Dylan’s “Everything is Broken.” It was a gorgeous early spring day. I was happy.

Yes, I was happy even though it is true, everything is awful and everything is broken. For me, it was like a message that what the world looks like is not necessarily what matters. Sometimes things have to get awful and things have to break for new things to take their place.

Here is a comment that was left at the website Genius,

On a few occasions, Colin has referred to this song as a Trump-era “state of the union song.” The pessimistic nature of the lyrics is contrasted with the jovial “la la la la la” refrain and the gang chorus at the end.

These songs also reminded me to not take everything, especially myself, so seriously. Folks in recovery might know this as “Rule 62.” All I can do is what is in front of me. I do what I can, each day, and if I live today well I will be OK.

I cannot give in to the pessimistic, defeatist attitude. There is a higher order, whatever your religious/spiritual/philosophical beliefs. Everything is connected. Everything is One.

If you have ever walked a labyrinth, you know that there is one path in and one path out. It is all the same path. It looks like people are ahead of you or behind, moving toward you or away. Yet it is all one path. We are just at different places, constantly moving. No one place is better or worse than another because it is all one path. Just keep moving.

Barn Bliss

Yesterday I got to go to the barn and spend time with one of my favorite horses, a black Tennessee Walker named Dillon. The day was warm and dry, and while the uneven ground was a bit painful on my still-healing ankle, it felt glorious to be outside.

I brought Dillon out and spent maybe an hour with a shedder lifting masses of itchy, irritating, shedding hair. It was quiet, as my daughter was out in the pasture working with her horse. I hadn’t done more than said “Hi” to Dillon since my car accident in August 2017, nearly 8 months ago.

It took him a while to warm up to me, but soon we were nuzzling cheek-to-cheek as I scratched out the loose hair under his forelock. It seemed we both were relieved to be able to spend that time together. I had forgotten how calming it is to grok with a horse.

The moment was over too soon, yet I carried that Bliss into the rest of today.

Now, as I relate this to you, I’m getting a taste of that enhanced state of tranquility again. The past few months I’ve been aggravated, agitated, and finding myself wanting to isolate and escape into Xbox and playing games on my phone. Why am I turning away from this world?

I don’t know why, but I believe that meditation is a key to re-integrate into my life. I’ve been busy meeting with a new sponsor and working with five women in recovery, but I have been neglecting some key things. I haven’t wanted to sit with myself.

Sitting with myself, without external stimuli, is critical for my well-being. It is in those moments that I let God’s light shine into my darkness. Those moments give me clarity and strength and motivations to carry on. May you have a blissful day.