It doesn’t work so good. I sit and follow my breath, and when thoughts arise, I’m supposed to let them drift away as if it were a cloud, or some kind of imagery like that. And my mind says, “F-*& that! I’m not done being angry yet. I’m not willing to let this thought or emotion drift away as if it were inconsequential.”
I was a little surprised at my stubbornness. I mean, it was righteous anger, what they did or didn’t do. It seems to feel good to be angry, powerful, like I am so right! I can’t let them get away with it.
But what holding on to anger really does is block me from myself. And it blocks out a presence of my higher power.
I identified 100% with “I am angry.” There was no other me other than anger.
Little by little, as I continued to sit meditations and catch myself replaying the story of how angry I was and why, over and over, I gained a sliver of detachment. I started realizing that it was just a story I was telling myself, over and over and over again.
As I started to identify with the ‘me’ that was observing this angry mind, I was able to let it go… a little. I can’t say that I’m completely done being angry yet, but I did make space for a ray of that sunlight of the spirit sneak in. I’ll take that, for now, and know that this will pass. I will allow that tiny spot of light to grow and let compassion and forgiveness sprout. It all starts at the beginning.