Fear of Driving

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I have driven again! First time since August 28, 2017. My license had gotten suspended because we didn’t file an accident report in a timely manner (and I knew I wouldn’t be up for driving for a few months anyway).

My husband drove me to DMV to get my license re-instated. When it was done and the clerk turned her monitor to me so I could see that it was valid again, I literally started shaking.

I had done everything right and still got hurt. Someone else ran a red light and caused the accident that gave me the worst pain I have ever experienced (and I have given birth). I felt so vulnerable, so fragile. I was hype-aware that something beyond my control can come out of nowhere and hurt me.

Surgery, multiple doc visits, and physical therapy have worked to get me on the road to physical healing, but emotionally/mentally I was a complete mess. My hands shook for most of the rest of the day. I was near tears when I thought about driving.

After a couple days, I began to wonder if the fear caused by the idea of driving was greater than the fear I would feel when I actually got behind the wheel. Christmas Day I had an opportunity to take my son to a friend’s house. I thought, there will be virtually no traffic so this would be a good time to take my first venture out.

I left the house and came back with no incident! And, while I was driving, I wasn’t nervous. This surprised me. I was still hyper-vigilant, but I was not riddled with terror.

It feels so good to take such a major step towards resuming my normal life. My daughter is beyond thrilled because she’s had to take up most of my driving duties for day-to-day errands. As this year draws to a close, I cannot shout “GOOD RIDDANCE” loud enough. I’m looking forward to taking on the new year one step at a time. In good time, I should even be able to walk without a limp.

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